baby wayne

Bridie asks:

otis, o god of small things - o purveyor of small but not insignificant wisdoms. i wonder, in light of recent awb scandal should i refuse to feed my family durum-derived pasta and should i boycott school-lunch sandwiches? (estimates suggest withdrawl of sandwiches alone would impact wheat industry with loss of annual sales totalling minimum $728. estimates based on purchase of min 208 loaves per annum @ average $3.50 per loaf.)

love from,
bridie

otis says:

wheat? sandwiches? pasta? what are these strange things of which you speak? from what I can gather they appear to form part of an odd assortment of mysterious things called food. I have been offered everything from peaches and apples to avocado and sweet potato, but these have not been to my liking. maybe one day I will consider some of these wheat-based products.

my parents seem to think that I should be eating food and have taken me to see a developmental pediatrician, had a feeding consultant visit and apparently I have to endure the examinations of a speech pathologist before going to a day-patient programme for recalcitrant babies.

everyone says that there is nothing wrong with me – I am happily putting on weight – but I just don’t want to have anything in my mouth.

this continues to be a bit stressful for my parents - my mum has to be around me every three hours or so to feed me - which means that she can't go and do things that she might want to do.

nevertheless, it is very impressive that you have gone to the trouble of calculating your annual bread-based wheat consumption. Imagine what could happen if you included other wheaten products such as croissants, cake, biscuits and so on?

Of course, in considering a consumer boycott I think there are two factors to consider.

1. if there was not a regime of sanctions designed to starve the Iraqi people then perhaps the need for bribery would not have existed.
2. the fact that the awb executives posed for photos toting guns whilst topless should be sufficient to excuse any allegation of impropriety

by and large I am not sure that the types of men who pose naked with firearms are going to be concerned about a reduction of sandwich consumption

dude, where's my sandwich?

asha asks:

dear otis,

i am trying to book a stretch limo for my year 12 formal - i know it's early but apparently you have to get in quick - so i just wanted to ask if you are still able to make it? also, in terms of the corsage, i am wearing blue, so you might wanna try something with a spray of white flowers.

love from,
asha dacy

otis says:

In the first instance I am unsure if this is really a question. Surely, it would be more appropriate to advise me of the hue of your gown after I had confirmed my availability.

I understand that a year 12 formal can be a very sensitive time in a young girl’s life and that the absence of a date or, worse still, a blind date that ends in tragedy can cause gaping psychological trauma from which there might be no recovery.

Bearing this in mind, and the pressure you are likely to feel from your mother until you have organised a date, I will happily accompany you to your year 12 formal. You will need to confirm this 72 hours prior to the commencement of the formal.

I anticipate that I may have commenced eating some solid food by this time, but would appreciate it if you could keep some room in your handbag for a teething rusk, some rice cereal, a tub of stewed apple and a bib.

Let’s party the night away

otis and asha discuss a date

asha demonstrates corsage attachment

toby asks: i work with an assistant, who is much cleverer than me. it is her birthday on saturday. she recently publicised the fact of her coming birthday in the daily office infoemail thingy. how should i react?

firstly, toby, congratulations on the happy and healthy arrival of a baby sister for alex. i hope you are all well and that i get to see you all soon.

secondly, apologies for the tardiness of my response which will no doubt reach you after the birthday in question. i hope that i do not find you wracked with indecision. if, however, you are so wracked then this may be of use.

the nature of the assistant and assisted relationship is commonly misunderstood. you have, however, demonstrated a rare insight in acknowledging that your assistant is cleverer than you. it is difficult to imagine how someone who is less clever would be of much use as an assistant. the fact that those who have assistants are usually seen to be more important or powerful than those doing the assisting is often confused for the assisted being clever.

assistants always know this.

the publication of the pending anniversary is a form of sport. a challenge to the assisted.

so, in these circumstances a gift is essential as the assistant is fully aware that, despite the relative degrees of cleverness, this is not refelected in your relative wages. i would recommend a gift that reminds your assistant that cleverness cannot overcome all obstacles.

to this end something along the lines of diving with sharks, tiger-wrestling or any activity with an inherent level of danger is recommended. this will be widely viewed as a thoughtful and imaginative gift. the assistant will not want to be seen as rude and not take up this kind present, but will be surely reminded that, despite their level of intelligence, you still call the shots.

after some months of intense curiosity and sporadic voting the reality grandmother poll is over. observers from both zimbabwe and the united states have confirmed the outcome of the ballot.

booga received 140 votes (50.4%) of the 278 cast
vice-principal (human resources) 68 votes (24.5%)
bob (short for kate) 51 votes (18.3%)
grandma 11 votes (4%)
nanna 6 votes (2.2%)
mrs bare 1 vote (0.4%)
granny 1 vote (0.4%)

so booga has been determined as the final grandmaternal title. negotiations will commence with grandpa for the change to ooga.

thanks to all those who voted.

otis and booga on the recent trip to apollo bay